Lancaster County, PA—

A single visit to the Amish villages of Lancaster County is enough to clearly show a new arrival all of the excitement that rises among the faithful as mid-February approaches.

In an exclusive interview with the famously-secluded people, Unsubscribed met with a decorated minister, Noah Glick, to discuss the unconventional Valentine’s Day celebration and how both the piety and ecstasy of the event brings joy and faith to the faithful’s hearts.

The annual fuckfest is an old tradition that we take very seriously, Glick explains. Each village arranges for February 14th to be a day free from work to be devoted to prayer and debauched orgies.

A large, intricately hand-carved wooden chest holds sex toys of all varieties, though none of them fuelled by motors or batteries. We are devoted to maintaining our lifestyle, even though the temptations of a Hitachi magic wand for our women are something we must battle every year as February approaches, Glick explains. It is enough for a woman to be dicked thoroughly and commit to as much cunnilingus as God will provide the time to give. None of Satan’s mechanisms are necessary in this house of God.

When asked about the issue of homosexuality, a preference the Amish church has been very clearly against since its inception, Glick shakes his head. The fuckfest is a time to experience love and snowball cum into each other’s mouths, he declares. The sexual organs God has blessed you with are irrelevant when praising Him with jizz and squirting.

Glick introduced us to Mary, a young woman who will experience the 147th Annual Lancaster Fuckfest for the first time this year. My mother always said that the fuckfest is one of the holiest times of year, she says. To truly experience crashing orgasm after orgasm and triple penetration while your intended gets railed from behind next to you is an incredible experience rivalled only by the ecstasy of prayer on the night of Christ’s birth.

This Pennsylvania village is abuzz with excitement not only for the moment that grown men and women will see each other nude in all of God’s glory and flock to each other in intense, devout arousal, but for the stories they will get to tell of their religious experience in the days after.

The best part, Glick says, is the feast we prepare in advance. The fuckfest can be quite tiring.

He pauses. The worst part is the cleanup.

By Kate Evans