Peoria, AZ —

“I never, ever saw this coming,” an ecstatic Angela Godfrey said, as her new boyfriend, Doug Wertz, handed her a dozen chocolate-dipped red flags for Valentine’s Day.

Never mind that most humans – except Angela — would consider everything about the transmittal of this gift completely inappropriate, from Doug gaining entry to Angela’s office building by lying to the security guard, to him barging in unannounced and showcasing twelve arranged red flags to Angela in front of her embarrassed coworkers.

“To me,” says Angela, “each one of these symbolizes a milestone in our romance. Like, this one marks the day I learned Doug really needs me to work hard and earn money so he doesn’t have to live in a basement suite with five ex-felons. And this one commemorates the day Doug touchingly confessed to me that he’s not really 100% ‘single’ because he has three children he’s not allowed to see after his evil ex lied and got a restraining order against him.”

“And this one,” says Angela, shedding a tear, “is for the day we grew closer after I got jealous because I found thousands of text messages on his phone between him and another woman, and he explained that she’s ‘just his cleaning lady.’”

“I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us!”

Headline by Catricia, Article by Joe Lichtblau, Image Edit: Andrew Froese