Mount Vernon, VA —

In a statement issued by the spirit of George Washington, the General and America’s first primary care-giver expressed that he is beyond shocked by the changes to his great nation. “While I’m extremely proud that you have lasted this long, you’ve gone against almost all of my recommendations. The party politics, the entanglements with foreign governments — and what is this? You freed all the slaves? I realize I said that mine should be freed upon my death, but even my beloved Martha kept hers.” And before bidding his final, final farewell, he added, “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.”

By Emily Sanchez