Spencer, WV —

Eight-year-old Matt Grimes has reportedly claimed that his controller is broken, leading him to only have 2 kills and 28 deaths in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, and couldn’t face the truth that he really just sucks ass at video games. The disparaged dumbfuck of a kid cried profusely that somehow it was the controller’s fault for the little fucker’s inability to get a decent kill-death ratio. It was abundantly clear to Matt’s older brother, Todd: “Yeah, my little brother is a fucking bitch at this game. I do enjoy wrecking him in any given match.” Matt’s inability to recognize that he’s just a really shitty video game player and that there’s no reason to blame a fucking inanimate object is preventing this young bastard from coming to the simple realization that he should just give up and do something he might not be inept at and embarrass himself with.

By Zach Englund