So you ruined your life by leaving a long, rambling, generally incoherent voicemail from which there is no recovery. We’ve all been there. But worry not! For here is a handy list of tips for how to change your identity and start anew.
Choose your new name.
If you’re like me, you’ve left so many terribly executed voicemails that using variations of your first and middle name are no longer an option. I suggest punching your name into an online Wu-Tang name generator. Hey, it worked out well for Donald Glover! You think he wanted to be called Childish Gambino? Not at all. It was after leaving a voicemail in which he choked on his own saliva and was unable to speak for 2 minutes that he opted for the pseudonym.
Change your hair.
Taking your Wu Tang name into consideration, think of how the new you would want their hair. For example, after telling my landlord “I love you” before hanging up the phone, I opted for the name Ambassador Strong. How would Ambassador style her hair? Does she even have hair? Maybe Ambassador is more of a hat person. None of my previous identities could pull off a hat, but Ambassador can!
Start a new career.
It is a little known fact that every single member of Wu-Tang Clan was originally just some average Joe working a mundane job up until the day they left a cringe-worthy, nonsensical voicemail. Take for example, Ghostface Killah. Or should I say Dennis Coles, accountant from New York. Dennis had never dreamed of a career as a rap superstar prior to leaving a detailed message for his doctor about his new medication causing low libido, only to discover upon hanging up that he had accidentally dialed his boss’s cellphone number by mistake. A rap career is just the obvious next step.
There you have it. Starting over is never easy, but it’s times like this that make it necessary. Hopefully this list of tips will help make your transmission that much easier. Sorry, I meant transition. Bluh… what was I saying? Oh, right. Ghostface Killah. No, wait… we already covered that. Anyways, have a great day! Or, I guess it’s night now, so have a great night, or whatever. Hope this helps. Sorry. Why am I saying sorry? I didn’t mean to say that. Well, this concludes my article, so I guess I’ll just go. Love you. In Jesus name, amen. Wait… what did I just say? Oh, God…
By CarolAnn Liebelt