Peoria, IL —

Local gentleman, Craig Berner, is excited to go deaf so he doesn’t have to hear the younger generation’s shitty music that gets pushed out by various record companies annually. While only 51 years old, Berner is filled with glee upon any noticeable decline in his aural skills, pushing him closer to his dream of never hearing another cookie cutter, piece-of-dog-shit Gen Z song.

“I can’t stand these new artists,” Berner griped, “XXXTentacion, Image Dragons, Ariana Venti… they all sound the same! It’s like a bunch of animals in the zoo were given instruments and microphones! It sickens me to even hear it. I can’t wait to be deaf so I never have to hear this pile of crap ever again.”

The disgruntled Berner takes measures to expedite going deaf, like blaring his TV and iPod to, as he puts it, “Spare myself from the continuous strain of aural diarrhea being churned out by the music industry. Give me liberty or give me deaf!”

By Zach Englund