Grown Ups ($162M)
You’re a young, successful lawyer, straight out of grad school and hired by one of the most respected law firms. Your starting salary is a decent six-figures, and, if you do well, your annual bonus will bring you up to $400,000 a year. If you’re lucky enough to have kept this up consistently over your 50-year career, you will have earned a cool $20 million dollars, just 8x shy of the amount of money Grown Ups made! And that movie, with its all-star cast and potential for greatness, is just fucking disastrous. Makes you think about your life’s work.
Grown Ups 2 ($127.4M)
Okay, now that everyone has seen how terrible Grown Ups is, the sequel is going to bomb, right? Well, that’s where you’re wrong, bucko. That $38 million dollar estate you just inherited makes you the envy of all your friends and coworkers, but you’re struggling to understand how a movie as wholly unnecessary as Grown Ups 2 is still $79 million more successful than you.
Jack and Jill ($74M)
So, you’re really hoping to win that $60 million dollar Powerball Lottery, huh? Even if you beat the incredible odds against you and achieve your pipedream, it’s still $14 million less than Jack And Jill made, which is pretty much 93 minutes of fart jokes and punching down on homeless people. You can’t win.
The Ridiculous 6
This movie doesn’t have box office stats, so at least there’s that. And with a landmark 0% on Rotten Tomatoes and a group of Native American actors walking off set because of racial insensitivity, The Ridiculous 6 is infamously bad to the point where you say, “As much as I’d love to have celebrity success, good God, I’m glad I’m not Adam Sandler right now,” even though you really do wish you were, because Netflix announced that the film had been viewed more times in 30 days than any other film in Netflix history. Adam Sandler couldn’t hear your opinion, anyway, from all the construction noise of adding a fourth story to his mansion with all those unfathomable Netflix royalties. Probably. Either way, good luck with your life.
By Andrew Froese