In a new finding out of the American Journal of Medicine, a meta-analysis of over 300 million Americans has confirmed what the rest of the world already knows: Americans are too obese to do Leap Day. Lead researchers pointed out that most are probably reading this while downing a two-liter of Coke. The pudgy little fat balls struggle to fire up their quads while their flapping jaws are full of deep-fried Oreos and mashed potatoes. The study concluded that there is no evidence that the nation will be able to go on like this for four more years.

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