Can't be too careful.
To Contain Virus, CDC Recommends Washing Hands, Staying Home, Dying
"And, perhaps most glorious of all, death, blissful, rapturous death, brings final escape from having to stand behind a fucking squirrel-headed, cantaloupe-colored idiot who is always just seconds away from telling the public they can avoid COVID-19 by blowing a hair dryer up their nostrils.”
Ford Preemptively Issues Massive Recall On Ventilators
"Ultimately, they just won't ventilate."
“Right To Life” Party Favors Letting Vulnerable Die To Save Economy
“Dying is the God-fearing, patriotic thing for these old, sick folks to do in order to revive our economy. No different from a soldier giving up his life by throwing himself on a hand grenade to save his beloved comrades, which, by the way, is exactly what I would have done, had I ever been in the army, in battle, and confronted by a live hand grenade in the presence of comrades who qualified as beloved.”
Suicide Bomber Hates Working From Home
“I could wait until the mailman gets here, I guess, and just go for it. But I hate to just take out one old, fat divorced guy. Allah’s made it pretty clear you only get one virgin for that.”
Mom Just Called To Chat About Funny Guest On Ellen Who Did Wacky Dance, Followed By Guest Whose Disappointing Daughter Never Had Children
“That’s why I love watching Ellen, dear. Her guests are always so . . . . relevant.”
Trump Holds Packed Rally To Stop Coronavirus
"But still, it is very impressive how we've grown this."
Giant Pit Appears In The Middle Of The NYSE Demanding Sacrifices
The only way now to satisfy the enigmatic beast is to throw people directly into the pit.
GOP Proposes Floating Elderly On Icebergs
Their new rescue bill.
Report: Pandemic Aside, People Who Take Carnival Cruises Deserve Death
“People who squander their life savings to cram into a floating toilet and gorge themselves like bloated roaches, just to get dumped off at a succession of filthy, tawdry ports and robbed by hateful locals, deserve suffering, at the very least.”