Boston, MA —

Melissa Warner made news this week when she told Unsubscribed she doesn’t understand parents who say they can’t believe how fast their kids are growing up. “Are you kidding me? It’s been four long years since my twins were born,” she said with exasperation, “and they’re only, like, four. This whole thing is agonizingly slow. Grow up and get out of the house already.”

Warner sees other parents take pleasure in all the stages their kids go through, but for her it’s like watching grass grow. “Such endless tedium! It was forever with the diapers, then the teething, then the potty-training, the endless messes, the tantrums… Are my kids in some kind of excruciatingly interminable time warp? Facebookers comment on my photos with ‘can’t believe how old they’re getting’ or ‘Wow, so big!’ and I’m like, really? It’s been all this time, and they’re still short, young, and annoying.”

Warner’s husband Tom Berthold agrees: “I would never have become a parent if I knew it would drag on and on like this. I keep looking at the calendar to see if they’re adults yet, but nope, not even close. Day in and day out, we still have these dependent little fuckers running around. Four years in, and they’re still horrible conversationalists, still unable to help you balance a budget, and still can’t join you for a beer. I’m going to look into feeding them some growth hormones to see if that’ll speed this shit up.”

By Holly Love