A disgruntled Bernie Sanders announced today that breaking up the iconic hip hop group Public Enemy was only a small taste of what America’s got coming.

“Yeah, Flavor Flav and Chuck D’s legendary partnership just split up because of me, but this is nothing compared to what I can do. For my next trick, I’ll break up multinational corporations like Apple and Google! I’ll smash Microsoft and Wall Street! And hey, you think I won’t break up more bands?” he shouted, his knitted sweater shaking with anger. “I broke up The Beatles while your parents were in diapers. NWA? That was me. I don’t give a fuck. I’ll break up the Stones too if I don’t get the nomination. Hell, my great-great grandfather broke up Gilbert & Sullivan.”

“I thought he just wanted to break up the banks,” said one confused supporter. “I guess this whole time, he just meant to say bands?”

A leading Democratic National Committee staffer, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “Everyone knows he’s coming for us next.”

By Joe Lichtblau and William Boffa

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