Former Presidential candidate and eccentric billionaire, Mike Bloomberg, decided to suspend his Presidential campaign on Wednesday, despite a stunning victory in the American Samoa caucus. “My goal was to blow a billion dollars, and it was simply taking too long,” cackled the delusional former Mayor of New York City. “I was running ads on local TV stations in states where I wasn’t even on the ballot, but it was just dribbling out. Besides that, I had to put up with being humiliated by Elizabeth Warren on national television. The whole thing was just more trouble than it was worth.”
Instead, Bloomberg plans on setting fire to a billion dollars in front of Bloomberg Tower this Saturday. “This will achieve my goal of destroying a very small part of my fortune in one fell swoop,” raved the clinically insane financial mogul. “I can entertain myself by inhaling the fumes of enough burning cash to feed 20,000 poor families for a year. I will rub my hands in glee as I laugh hysterically at the spectators!”
Bloomberg added that he hopes the event will also assist in his goal of fucking with Donald Trump. It is assumed that the sight of a billion dollars on fire may cause the President to suffer a stroke.
By Fred Gailey, Photo edit by Emily Sanchez