Webster, NY —

An emerging report has found that Grandma has died, due to an offhanded decision to wear a light sweater instead of a coat while going outside. A combination of brisk winter conditions, a new circulating infectious disease, and the immune system of a chrysanthemum has led to what police are describing as “a tragic death, but also a really bad call.”

The CDC has once again reminded Americans that most of the population, like 90% of us, never actually have to worry about anything ever, but for those of us who are over 75, “for God’s sake, wear warm clothes, wash your hands, and consider just having someone bring your groceries to you.”