Appalachia —

After forty feet of the A.T. were found to be too close to a precipice, rangers have begun the huge task of moving the entire Maine-to-Georgia trail over a smidge. When asked why they couldn’t just reroute the problematic part, a trail spokesperson responded, “You do the math.” No one knows what that means.

Another ranger had his own take. “We just wanted to see if we could do it,” he told Unsubscribed. “I think we spend way too little time in life pursuing meaningless goals like this. How can you appreciate things that matter if you fail to embrace things that don’t?”

Mind-bogglingly insipid philosophy aside, the undertaking has been brutal. Thousands of trees have been cut down, many being the only ones with trail markers. Several workers have died when “three feet to the left” landed them over a cliff, which is pretty ironic considering the original issue. Parts of the trail are now too close to busy roads. Many small wildlife burrows have been disrupted.

At least one person is ecstatic over the changes so far. Bart Dyson of Tennessee said the trail is now close enough to his backyard that trail users can see his swimming pool, where they often trespass and take an illegal dip. “I shoot ‘em up quick and bury ‘em underneath the original trail. It’s such sweet poetic justice.”

By Holly Love