Aides to Mike Pence reported that a quiet smile of relief crossed the Vice President’s face when he learned yesterday from scientists on his committee that the Novel Coronavirus is spreading exclusively among Homo Sapiens.

In a private meeting after hearing the scientific consensus, Pence purportedly expressed a measure of satisfaction that empirical evidence vindicated his long-held beliefs.

“It’s the Homo Sapiens’ deviant lifestyle that makes them susceptible to these germs,” the Vice President reportedly said. “They’re constantly engaging in sexual activity. They love parading around half-naked. I’m no expert, but there’s a lot of evidence many of them have multiple partners, use stimulants, and visit steam rooms.”

At press time, Mr. Pence was said to be slightly alarmed upon discovering that the new virus was also circulating among bipeds.

By Joe Lichtblau