Watertown, MA —

A withering comment from a colleague at work has plunged 28 year-old Evan Connant into a vicious cycle of doubt, shame, and near constant ham slamming.

“I keep replaying that moment over and over in my head, then it segues into humiliating memories from my elementary school playground, until I’m left with a void that can only be treated by rubbing one out in the office bathroom,” said Evan, in a rare moment when he was not obsessively flagellating his phallus.

“For the last week, all I’ve done at work is wallow in self-loathing, belittle myself, and sneak out to the men’s room for a quick fap. My co-workers probably think I have a stomach bug.”

However, Evan’s office mate Tim had a different assessment. “Everyone knows exactly what he’s doing inside that locked stall twelve times a day. It’s pathetic.”

By Joe Lichtblau