The Baby Boomer generation will be spending this week celebrating a record 70 years of doing exactly what pleases their immediate whims at the expense of everybody else, according to sources. The event has kicked off with Joe Biden emerging as the new Democratic frontrunner, despite considerable unpopularity with every demographic below the age of 50.

The milestone will feature a televised commemoration of the generation’s greatest moments of pampering in history, from growing up in one of the most economically-advanced, best-educated countries in the world, then stripping away the social safety net when it no longer benefited them, to raising the median house price by eleven times, to refusing to take action on an ecological disaster because it mostly doesn’t affect them, and finally, another election season in which they resoundingly vote for the system that allowed this to happen.

“My dad was a WWII vet, and he always talked about leaving a better world for future generations,” said one Biden fan. “But as a man born between 1946 and 1964, I’m still trying to wrap my head around that concept. I thought about throwing my support around that Bernie guy – you know, at least for the sake of my nephews and nieces. But then I thought, eh, screw that guy. He reminds me of my dad. So we voted against him, and while things will stay the same for my generation either way, it does feel cool knowing that this way, I’m ruining everyone else’s environmental and economic future at the same time! All that’s left now is the general election to see which specific category of Boomer will get what they want.”

When asked if he felt bad about the notion that his actions may negatively affect others, the man became sensitive, bullish, defiant, and somehow found a way to perceive himself as the victim.

Democratic frontrunner Joe Biden, 77, said he would be celebrating “Boomers Get Everything Again Day” with a television marathon, a fancy dinner at which no waiters would be tipped, followed by a group reading of factually-incorrect news from suspicious websites. He ended the evening with the inspiring rallying cry, “Nothing changes until we all die!”

By William Boffa

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