The Democratic National Committee, along with most voters in the Democratic primary, are encouraging Joe Biden to just go away until the election. “Look, you pretty much have the nomination locked up,” said DNC Chair Tom Perez. “You are in the most vulnerable age-group for the coronavirus. We don’t want you to get sick. God forbid you start shaking hands with a crowd, and become exposed while you are telling all those wonderful stories about Nelson Mandella and Corn Pop. The safest thing for you to do is to self-quarantine in your home, and refrain from any contact with the press. We expect the virus to be dormant by approximately November 3rd.”

Vice-President Biden is considering the offer. “Here’s the deal. I can debate Bernie and Trump via video. I’m the guy that can explain how Obama was a clean, articulate, black man, and how he picked me to be his Vice-President. I’m the only guy who can talk to the teachers. The teachers are required—I’m married to a teacher. My deceased wife is a teacher. They have every problem coming to them. By the way, you know I sit on the stand and it’d get hot. I got a lot of — I got hairy legs that turn blonde in the sun, and the kids used to come up and reach in the pool and rub my leg down so it was straight and then watch the hair come back up again.”

Perez responded by warning Biden that microphones are notorious carriers of COVID-19. “You need to stay away from microphones, telephones, or cameras. We have all thirty-seven seasons of Dr. Who on DVR. Just stay hunkered down until November, and don’t talk to anybody.”

Later the DNC announced that Jill Biden has been tested and determined to be immune to the virus. She is encouraged to attend debates, speak at rallies, and be interviewed by the press in her husband’s stead.

By Fred Gailey