Washington, D.C. —

The United States government announced early this morning that the entire state of Florida would be quarantined, but acknowledged that this is not related to the recent pandemic caused by the coronavirus. Instead, it would be because of the crazy, batshit behavior that seems to pop up consistently in the news. From a man setting his hospital bed on fire to get a nurse’s attention, to a man breaking into a home and sucking on an unsuspecting person’s toe, the complete clusterfuck of a state has finally earned the ire of the rest of the nation, along with a fear that, like the coronavirus, their dumbfuckery could spread across the border into other states. It is too great of a risk that such dumbass behaviors, like hitting a mechanic in the head with a golf club because he’s going too slow, or giving aggressive ‘wet willies,’ cannot be allowed to pass into the cultural norm of this great nation. The plan by the U.S. will be—to no one’s surprise—build a giant fucking wall to try and keep Florida isolated from the rest of the nation, even though there is almost a degree of certainty that a Florida man or woman will make headlines doing something completely fucking unexpected that will astonish the rest of the nation into thinking such an act were possible.

By Zach Englund