A recently published study has suggested that the current strain of coronavirus, COVID-19, could undergo a mutation into “Man COVID-19,” a considerably more painful strain affecting only males.

“Sure, young people aren’t alarmed about the virus in its current form,” said a researcher working out of China. “But if the genome mutates into Man COVID-19, we could be looking at a kind of suffering no one—especially our female scientists—could ever comprehend. While it’s hard to quantify the severity of this strain, we could be looking at a 6,000% increase in symptoms, excruciating agony comparable to birthing quintuplets, but no apparent change in fatalities or real consequences.”

Despite evidence to the contrary, the nation’s men have bravely accepted that there will be no survivors. Meanwhile, the World Health Organization released a statement declaring that, when compared with Man COVID-19, the old COVID-19 is actually pretty harmless.

By William Boffa