Even in the midst of declaring a national state of emergency, President Trump continues to act dismissively towards COVID-19, as if it is his second-born son, Eric.

“This foreign disease is terrible, like, really, really bad. It came over here because Obama never did anything to stop it. But it’s not tough and strong like Donald Jr., nor is it sexy and absolutely stunning, beautiful like Ivanka. It is weird and sweaty like Eric, always lurking in the background, but always, always there. You close your eyes to nap at your desk and when you open them 38 seconds later, there it is, one inch from your face, its moist breath blowing through your golden locks,” Trump told the nation. “It’s weak. Sad and more annoying than anything else, really. Even Tiffany would be a more powerful virus, and no one knows where she is.”

Admitting to never washing his hands, Trump added that he is not concerned about his own coronavirus test results because of his spectacular immune system.

By Emily Sanchez