Dear Beloved and Loyal Customers:

It is with a heavy heart I bring you the sad news that Joe’s Yoga, Enemas & Buffet Lunch Center is closing.

When I opened Joe’s eight years ago, no one believed a yoga, enemas, and buffet lunch business could survive. But we did more than survive, and you were more than just patrons.

Whether you were there for our sweaty, over-crowded yoga sessions, group enemas, mass saunas, social hot tubs, or communal, buffet lunch, you were family.

And we treated each other like family, from the well-known Joe’s ritual of passing a single glass of water around the lunchroom for each person to sip from, to the famous Joe’s tradition of licking the window on the enema room door before entering.

Had it not been for you, I never would have been able to open Joe’s Bat Sanctuary right next-door, where you could look forward to unwinding after a relaxing group enema and lunch with a tranquil stroll through a room filled to the rafters with African and Asian fruit bats.

It was not my choice to shut down Joe’s yesterday morning. Rather, it was a decision thrust upon me by a heavily armed SWAT team sent by the State Board of Health. The irony is mind-boggling: here we are, promoting a relaxed and healthy lifestyle, only to be thwarted by panicked bureaucrats. What can I say — thieves prosper while the righteous go begging.

Today may mark the end of my old business, but I hope you will all join me in my next endeavor, Joe’s Pangolin Petting Zoo.

Sincerely Yours,

Joe McTeague