In a stunning announcement, Northern Kentucky University Coach Darrin Horn, declared the Norse the National men’s basketball champions by default. “We went to our first round game in Spokane (man, the seeding committee really screwed us on that). The doors to the arena were chain locked. Thankfully, I had bolt cutters on the bus, and many of our kids have some experience with breaking and entering. We went into the arena, and the Gonzaga Bulldogs weren’t even there! I looked for a ref, but I couldn’t find one. By NCAA rules, a team wins by default when the other team does not appear at tipoff. We won our first round game.”

I then started calling our projected opponents in the next rounds. LSU? Nope, not coming. O.K, I popped the cork for the Sweet Sixteen in Los Angeles. Then I called Dana Altman at Oregon (actually, I talked to his secretary, because he wouldn’t take my call). No, they were not planning on flying anywhere right now. We’re on to the Elite Eight. Then the punk kid who answered at Seton Hall called me an idiot and hung up the phone.

We are currently making arrangements to travel to Atlanta by Greyhound for the Final Four. I have already called every team that had a mathematical possibility of being in the tournament, and most of them aren’t even answering the phones. There are even messages that the college is closed on some of the voicemails. Not one single team is willing to travel to Atlanta and face the Fighting Norse. I have therefore declared us default champions of the 2020 Men’s Basketball Division I Tournament.”

Coach Horn was currently booking a Pacific cruise for the team to celebrate their unprecedented victory. Unfortunately, no cruise lines are accepting reservations for the next two months.

By Fred Gailey