After a prank gone horribly wrong involving a samurai sword and a crocodile, and the resulting emergency surgery, penis transplant recipient Micah Kelso has been having difficulty composing a thank you letter to his donor’s family.

“This letter seemed like a good start, but after thinking about it, I tossed it: The gift your son bestowed on me is really hard to beat.

“Then I went with this — but after re-reading it a few times, it’s also no good: I apologize in advance if I seem to be expressing only a small measure of gratitude.

“Honestly, writing this letter is turning out to be a lot tougher than I expected,” said a despondent Kelso, as he shared a few more sentences from abandoned attempts at a thank-you note:

My recent surgery has taught me to treasure the little pleasures in life….

When I look at your son’s donation, I am reminded that there’s a shortage of these organs….

Your son’s organ has spared me a long, hard recovery….

As of press time, Kelso had spent 12 hours slamming shots of tequila, then fired off a rambling, near-incoherent — but unfortunately, coherent enough — email to his donor’s family expressing his true feelings about his new manhood; an email which he now deeply regrets sending.

By Joe Lichtblau