Self quarantining? Laid off? Absolutely hate people and ready to fully embrace social distancing? Maybe it’s time for some early spring cleaning with all of this home time. Here are 11 trillion+ helpful tips for tidying up your house.

Begin by assessing the state of your house. It’s a mess, right? What’s a person in charge to do?

First, even though you’ve lived in the house since January 2017, blame the person who lived there before you.

Second, lie about it. Practice standing in front of a mirror— better if it’s one that also reflects the disordered domestic disaster behind you — and saying, “We’ve got everything under control. It’ll be fine.” 

Third, spray everything with bullshit. Make sure to rub in the bullshit with an old rag; better if the rag has a name, like, say, KellyAnne.

Fourth, take to the air, and call out a “rumor” circulating that the pristine home you inhabit under quarantine is in fact a sodden dump. How dare they!

Fifth, go the next step and call the whole thing a hoax, perpetrated by your enemies, the downstairs neighbors, who have always been jealous of your tidy, tidy abode.

Sixth, panic clean. This is a lot like cleaning, only while vomiting anxiously on all your possessions.

There you have it: Our eleven-trillion-plus tips for tidying up your home, short by maybe a few. OK, short by more than a few. Let’s be real — we lied in the headline. Pretty bad!

What could possibly be worse than a humor site lying to you about steps to take to prevent a mess from spreading everywhere in your house? We can’t think of anything.

By Joe Lichtblau