New York, NY —

Uncertainty has roiled the world’s financial markets, as investors across stocks, bonds, and commodities seek a path toward profits off pandemic deaths.

Winston Hogue, a chief analyst with Fidelity Investments, explained the situation.

“This amount of developed-nation death is a once-in-a-century event, and the burning question is, how do you capitalize on it for a substantial return? Obviously, it’s very easy if you’re a U.S. Senator. For the rest of us, it’s not as easy as shifting your portfolio toward, say, ventilator manufacturers, although that’s not the worst strategy. A more subtle approach might call for accumulating equity in personal weaponry suppliers.”

At press time, Mr. Hogue reported that he was upset by the loss of his own grandmother from the virus. “I began shorting grandma two days ago, and if she had passed before 10 AM today, I would’ve walked away with a very respectable ROI. But she hung in there until 10:07, and I lost everything on a margin call.”

By Joe Lichtblau