Boston, MA —

A new report shows that, for decades, a majority of Americans have consistently believed that people who take Carnival Line cruises deserve death.

According to lead author Dr. Sidney Boyd, “Polls going back to the 1970s show the prevailing view is that people who squander their life savings to cram into a floating toilet and gorge themselves like bloated roaches, just to get dumped off at a succession of filthy, tawdry ports and robbed by hateful locals, deserve suffering, at the very least.”

“To summarize our findings,” Boyd continued, “the common perception is that most Carnival customers are such blindingly tacky, blazing fuckwits, they are unable to discern the difference between legitimate travel for leisure and volunteering to lie, mouth agape, under a spewing shit pipe. In short, death would probably represent an upgrade for them.”

When reached for comment, a Carnival spokesperson said, “We are dedicated to providing our sea-faring victims with the highest quality of comfort, safety, entertainment, and mortuary services their pitiful rolls of pennies can procure.”

By Joe Lichtblau