NEW YORK —
It was reported that earlier this morning a giant pit mysteriously manifested directly in the middle of the New York Stock Exchange. At roughly 8:17 AM Eastern Time, a gaping mammoth of a hole formed demanding sacrifices to appease the DOW. The market has been extremely volatile in recent days in the aftermath of quarantines caused by COVID-19. It is clear that the economy has grown angry over the slowing of money flow, and the continuing drop of the market. The only way now to satisfy the enigmatic beast is to throw people directly into the pit. The United States, now more than ever, needs to either lift the quarantine or send live sacrifices into the great abyss in order to appease the economy god.
By Zach Englund, Photo edit by Emily Sanchez