Today Senator Mitch McConnell introduced Senate Bill 203, The Liberating Ice Floes For Elderly (LIFE) Act. The legislation proposes isolating vulnerable seniors on ice floes currently available in the Arctic ocean. “Using these resources to protect senior citizens from the Chinese flu will allow the rest of us to return to buying stocks again, in short order,” said the Senator. “The only reason the economy is shut down is to protect a small percentage of the frail and elderly. If we can insulate them from the infection, the rest of us can get back to work. This alleged disease is no more dangerous than the common cold, but the dishonest media insists we take steps to protect senior citizens. We have hundreds of surplus ice floes that can be used to quarantine our most vulnerable citizens.”

Helpful Boy Scouts have volunteered to assist the elderly in settling into their new temporary shelters, and launching the passengers safely out to sea, where they will be out of the reach of any contagion. Ice fishing gear will be provided until supplies are exhausted. “We are hopeful that within 18 months, the virus will be dormant,” said McConnell. “In the meantime, our elders will be healthy and their vulnerability will no longer interfere with economic recovery.”

When it was pointed out that McConnell himself is seventy-seven years old, McConnell advised that Senators, particularly those from the Commonwealth of Kentucky, have been determined to be immune to the “Asian Plague.”

By Fred Gailey, Image edit: Emily Sanchez