Austin, TX —

Consistent with their “right to life” beliefs, various Red State officials have come out in favor of protecting their right to a healthy financial life by re-opening businesses, despite that doing so would result in scores of elderly and other at-risk groups dying in the pandemic. 

As Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick explained, “Dying is the God-fearing, patriotic thing for these old, sick folks to do in order to revive our economy. No different from a soldier giving up his life by throwing himself on a hand grenade to save his beloved comrades, which, by the way, is exactly what I would have done, had I ever been in the army, in battle, and confronted by a live hand grenade in the presence of comrades who qualified as beloved.”

“Look, even if this virus is bad for some people, the rest of us have a right to get on with our own lives, not to mention resurrect our portfolios. Speaking of resurrecting, our Lord and Savior Jesus set a perfect example by sacrificing himself on the cross so that others might live — which, I assure you, is exactly what I would have done, had I been Middle Eastern, Jewish, the Son of God, and born under Roman rule in Bethlehem 2,000 years ago.” 

“And speaking of Jesus, what we’re proposing, namely allowing the pandemic to enter into some percentage of the population and kill them so the rest of us can preserve corporate equity, is no different from allowing Jesus to enter into your heart. Except it’s a virus and it enters your lungs and you die, sure. However, if you think about it, it’s very similar to Aztec virgins offering to have their hearts ripped out by high priests in order to appease the rain Gods— which, undoubtedly, is exactly what I would have done, had I been a female pre-Columbian Mesoamerican virgin living in a year of drought. Absolutely.”

By Joe Lichtblau