Unhappy about the coronavirus pandemic interfering with his job, suicide bomber Amir Muhammad Sa’id Abdal-Rahman al-Mawla detailed his situation to Unsubscribed via Skype.

Said al-Mawla, “I get that working from home helps avoid spreading a life-threatening disease, so I should do my part to protect people. But it was so much easier making my vest at the Suicide Jackets ‘R Us office. I had a small cubby, but it was quiet. Now I’ve had to bring the vest home to finish it. Do you know how hard that’s been with my cat Abdul el-Fluffington batting around shrapnel and ball bearings? He almost pushed the detonator twice!”

“On top of that,” the bomber continued, “staying at home alone obviously gives me no one else to blow up. I could wait until the mailman gets here, I guess, and just go for it. But I hate to just take out one old, fat divorced guy. Allah’s made it pretty clear you only get one virgin for that.”

by Holly Love