Washington, D.C. —

With news about the COVID-19 pandemic updating at breakneck speed, the CDC has remained steadfast in its three basic recommendations: wash your hands, stay home, and die.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, of the National Institutes of Health, explained the CDC’s reasoning. “Hand washing with soap dissolves the virus’s protective membrane, while staying home reduces community transmission.”

“And dying — dying delivers that sweet release from the vast array of mortal woes which afflict us, be it mounting frustration as moronic leaders ignore your recommendations and drag your good name in epidemiology through a field of shit, growing horror as they bungle the rollout of test kits, or crushing depression as you watch your life’s work in public health get flushed down the toilet by budget-cutting assholes. And, perhaps most glorious of all, death, blissful, rapturous death, brings final escape from having to stand behind a fucking squirrel-headed, cantaloupe-colored idiot who is always just seconds away from telling the public they can avoid COVID-19 by blowing a hair dryer up their nostrils.”

By Joe Lichtblau