Car Crash Kills Beloved, Star-Student Teen And His Below-Average Sister
“It’s so horrible to lose Jason,” said the teen’s father. “I was sure he’d end up in the NFL or President of the United States. His mother and I will mourn him and miss him forever. Shame about Mary, too, I guess.”
Lysol Issues Statement Warning That Trump Is President
Due to recent events and social media activity, RB (the makers of Lysol and Dettol) want to be clear that Donald Trump is a person that exists. To further compound this damage, he is also the President of the United States of America.
N. Korea Reports Kim Jong-un Healthy, Enjoying Time In Unicorn Lair With Dad
"The Supreme Leader is not sick, as your lamestream media wants everyone to believe. He is full of vigor and bold ideas that will bring the world to their knees. Enough with the fake news. Sad. Nobody gives him enough credit," the regime's spokesman said.
Trump Announces He Will Resign ‘Over Every American’s COVID-Ridden Body’
“I'm not going anywhere, folks. I'm doing a tremendous job of stimulating the economy. Health care workers are enjoying lots of overtime. Mortuary business levels are at an all-time high. They can't even keep up!”
Trump Puts Mr. Clean In Charge Of Coronavirus Task Force
“I want to thank Mike for all of his hard work leading the Coronavirus Task Force, but we need Americans cleaning their lungs, and who better to be in charge than Mr. Clean himself? Look at that bald head and smile. Isn't he beautiful, folks?”
Trump Calmly Sips Disinfectant After Press Briefing
“Great flavor. Great flavor. They're doing wonderful things with this stuff. Orange flavor, lemon flavor. Do you believe this? Not me. I told them GET IT ON THE SHELVES the people NEED IT. And it tastes good! It really tastes great folks!”
New Boyfriend’s Stupidity No Longer Endearing
"It has been four months since Jacob and I started dating, and I'm just going to be honest... he's kind of a moron. At first I thought his naïvety was kind of cute, but now I'm mostly concerned."
How To Perfectly Arrange Your Throw Pillows So No One Hears Your Screams
First, select the patterns and styles you'd like to use to absorb your tears.
For Millions With Nothing To Do But Eat, Earth Day Becomes Girth Day
"Man, my inhabitants have like no self-control," said our annoyed planet. "Today was supposed to celebrate me, and instead, it's all about these fatsos."