Nationwide, supermarkets have seen shelves completely depleted of specific items, such as toilet paper, hand sanitizer and flour. While these grocery stores are finding it increasingly harder to keep up with demand, they want to remind customers that tarragon is still widely available.

“Every single day, customers keep asking, ‘When are you getting in more Purell?’” One Safeway store manager revealed, “And I always respond, ‘We are trying our best, but if you head over to the produce department, we have an abundance of tarragon for you right now.’ Most customers are doubtful that I even know what Purell is, but really, I’m just trying to sell these damn herbs before I’m forced to throw them out.”

Whole Foods’ Pacific Northwest Regional Manager divulged, “We’re contacting as many suppliers as we can to restock our lines of organic, biodynamic, and ayurvedic toilet paper, but in the meantime, have you thought about buying some tarragon? We have loads of that. I think it’s meant for seafood or some shit.”

Kroger CEO Rodney McMullen recently made a public announcement regarding their COVID-19-related problems: “In these trying times, when our valued customers are concerned about our stores lacking essentials like milk and flour, rest assured, we are working effortlessly to replenish these items, and until that time, in every Kroger location across the country you can purchase as much tarragon as you like! It’s a weird weed that I’ve just heard about, and apparently we’ve been selling it for decades. It even comes dried, apparently. Really? That sounds fucking awful.”

By Andrew Froese

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