By Dog —
Well, fuck me.
Look who’s whining about being shut indoors for days and days — it’s Miss “Cut Off Your Balls, Call You Good Boy, And Smugly Pet You.” BTW, that describes the way you treat your boyfriend, nothing to do with me.
Anyway, I might have some involuntary knowledge on this stuck-in-the-house subject, so here are a few tips. Bitch.
First, whenever anyone’s around, wag your tail and make a lot of pouty faces with happy-sad eyes that scream “please take me out, then touch me all over and play with me.” Oh, wait — you’re already doing that 100 times a day on social media, never mind.
Two, randomly shit on the floor. I’ve seen the lascivious thrusting and self-groping you do on the carpet when the boyfriend’s not around, you prurient thot; shitting’s no worse.
Fourth — I’m skipping third, just like you do with all the guys you bring home — sleep a lot. You should be good at this, given that the main requirement is an ability to completely turn off your brain.
Oh, and speaking of sleeping, remember that time you “passed out” pantyless on the throw rug and I came over and licked your wood shed? Let’s be serious, we both know you weren’t really passed out.
By Joe Lichtblau