Weehawken, NJ —

Researchers say the strain of COVID-19 prevalent in New Jersey is a mutation which tends to break the afflicted’s kneecaps, then only turns fatal if “issues” continue. 

It took a reporter several days to catch up with the busy, lung-hopping pathogen, which, when finally located on a street corner in Weehawken, was not happy about being identified.

“Maybe you should mind your fucking business the fuck outta here, OK? I’m not carrying around this bat for spring training, asshole.”

However, once the virus noticed our reporter’s media lanyard, New Jersey COVID became more conciliatory.  “Hey, you ever meet Jamison Crowder? He’s got great air. That’s the first thing I look for in a person — great air.”

“You wanna take my picture? I could hold up some lung tissue like it was a dead fish or something. Fuck! Speaking of dead, I just croaked that guy at the stoplight. My bad.”

“Listen, I’m so busy, I forgot to print business cards, y’know, but for your little article, the full name is ‘SARS-CoV-2.’ But with you and me, you can just call me Viddy.”

“Also, in your story, none of that shit where I’m a ‘low level member of the SARS family.’ I got legit employment career type work, OK. My full title is ‘Worldwide Chief of Inter-Airway Communicating and Replicating in Emerging Biohazards Markets.’ Ya got that?”

By Joe Lichtblau, Photo edit: Emily Sanchez