Belmont, MA —

Ambulances, police, and fire trucks converged on five-year-old Ethan Witkowski’s home this morning after the kindergartener turned in a crayon drawing depicting his family as unclothed, emaciated stick figures with horribly deformed hands.

A SWAT team was subsequently dispatched because the child casually remarked to his teacher that his house was “guarded by a giant green man with an axe who lives in the basement.”

Upon arrival at the Witkowski household, emergency crews encountered a terrifying scene when they found Ethan’s parents and younger sister nude, starved, and unable to help themselves, owing to an apparent shared genetic mutation which left them each with a dozen mangled fingers dangling off of large, irregularly shaped palms.

One police officer was injured when an enormous, green-tinted man burst from the basement and attacked the officer with an axe.

By Joe Lichtblau