Chelsea, MA —

According to sources on the scene, Francisco Garcia, entering week four of quarantine, was over an hour into his engaging, 3:30 AM conversation with Mr. Refrigerator and Señorita Dishwasher before he noticed that Professor Stove had remained silent.

“We were discussing the Platonic ideal in relation to European, Late-Renaissance conceptions of secular morality, and xhe — Professor Stove is non-binary — is usually extremely opinionated on that subject. But not tonight.”

“Dr. InSinkerAtor thinks xhe might be depressed. However, I turned on their front burner and everything’s fine. Sometimes Mr. Refrigerator can be a little intimidating. Maybe that’s the problem?”

“We went through something similar with Sir Washer/Dryer a week ago. Very moody! But then Duchess Toaster Oven cracked a few jokes and Sir W/D was back to his old self again. I’m really worried about Professor Stove.”

When reached for comment, Professor Stove said they had become politically radicalized by the anarcho-capitalist views of Murray Rothbard and was waiting for the opportune moment to “burn the whole fucking thing to the ground.”

By Joe Lichtblau