In an embarrassing turn of events, at the height of a deadly pandemic, local man Douglas Schmerhorn just passed away from non-dramatic, natural causes.
“I’m totally ashamed,” said Schmerhorn’s 16-year-old son, Luke. “He didn’t even die in an airtight hospital room with people in hazmat suits jamming needles and tubes into him, screaming ‘He’s coding! He’s coding!’ No, he just slipped away in his BarcaLounger watching The Price Is Right. Thanks dad, you loser.”
“Ugghh,” said Schmerhorn’s 14-year-old daughter, Heather. “It’s a disgrace. The doctor said he died of, like, some thyroid thing. Like, who does that? There’s a really cool fatal virus floating around and he didn’t even try to catch it. Now I have to go on Zoom and tell everyone my dad died of a thigh disease. I’ll never live this down.”
Speaking through hysterical sobs, the deceased’s widow Evelyn said, “I would give anything, anything, anything to bring Douglas back just so he could pass away again from something trendy and respectable, like COVID-19. This is so utterly humiliating.”
By Joe Lichtblau