Cambridge, MA —

A recent study conducted at MIT found that people who spend time less time browsing social media have increased… yeah, you know what? Fuck this study. I’m an adult, and I choose to unwind after a long day at work by going down the Facebook rabbit hole for hours on end. Who are these Ivy League assholes to say my life is worse off delving into countless shitposting pages of my favorite childhood shows until I realize I start work in 4 hours??

Another study out of Oxford found that Twitter users who cut down daily activity by one hour have improved… yeah. No. My big issue is finding more ways to sneak in Twitter, especially on the job. Seriously, watching Trump’s slow dissolve into madness tweet after tweet is one of the most satisfying parts of my day.

Journalism is the worst, demanding we heed their advice no matter how contradictory they are day-to-day. Coffee is good for your heart; coffee increases your chances of cancer. Drink plenty of water a day. Don’t drink too much; you could get water poisoning. Interacting with people physically is a more satisfying social experience; the stigma around the legitimacy of online friendships is unbiased and wrongfully nullifies the vast benefits of nurturing online communities. Okay, I just made that last part up. But still.

By Andrew Froese