Paterson, NJ —

Anthony Merolla, delivery driver for Claudio‘s Downtown Pizza, no longer has a positive opinion of astronauts.

“We’re going crazy with delivery lately. So, I get a call to deliver to this International Space thing, right? I’m thinking, maybe they’re somewhere up in Bergen County? Whoa! Wrong. Let me put it this way — you get there by taking a pretty unusual exit.”

“They order one pie. Seriously? They couldn’t afford to add a bag of chips? What are they, on a fucking hunger strike? Worst than that, it’s vegetarian —half anchovies, half chicken. Hey, I’m not your mother, but throw some goddam meat on there.”

“So, I get up there. A little bit of an understatement, but whatever. And this blonde lady opens the door. Guess what? She don’t even speak English. She says ‘da?’ What the fuck? Like your ass would fall off if you had to say ‘hello?’”

“Then Miss Da, she takes the One. Fucking. Pizza. And she says, “Is cold!” Not for nothing lady, but it’s only like negative ten million degrees in outer space. Not that I’m making excuses.”

“Now, we don’t charge for delivery, because — how do I put this delicately — 99% of our customers don’t have their fucking head up their ass? I live on tips, OK? So the total is $9.23, with tax. She pays exact cash, including three fucking pennies. Look, I got nothing against Abe Lincoln, but rounding up to ten or eleven bucks would kill you? No tip! Fuck those people.”

At press time, Anthony was screaming a stream of unprintable words after he received a call to deliver an Italian hero, hold the hots, to one of the Mars rovers.

By Joe Lichtblau, Image Edit: Andrew Froese