Bend, OR —

41-year-old celebrity enthusiast Sarah Stromberg is excited right now: “I was just scrolling through headlines on my phone — my usual routine while on the toilet — and saw an article about how Oprah is coping during this challenging time of social distancing. It warmed my heart to know that we are in this together! In fact, I can’t say I ever tire of the almost endless updates from A-list celebrities reminding me that we are all on an even-playing field right now.

“I can only assume that Jennifer Garner and Adam Levine also ate a microwaved hotdog on white bread for dinner, just like me. And that Brad Pitt and Gal Gadot also spent three hours trying to apply for unemployment. Or that Julia Roberts and Zac Efron also don’t want to open their windows out of fear that their neighbors will hear them singing songs to their cat. Songs that were born out of soul-crushing isolation and boredom. Songs that are the only thing keeping them from tearing their clothes off, calling 9-1-1 on themselves, and then going on a full-blown, panic-fuelled rampage through their neighborhood because none of this okay and everything is bad and is this forever?? And am I waking up from anesthesia and just confused and disoriented? Is that it? Did I have my wisdom teeth removed and now I’m stuck in some sort of perpetual fever dream? Julia? Zac?? Are you there?

“Anyway, just knowing that somewhere out there, right now in this moment, both Oprah and I are simultaneously wiping our asses with coffee filters… well, that fills me with enough hope to keep on keeping on. Thanks for being in this with me, down-on-your-luck famous people!”

By CarolAnn Liebelt