By Tiffany Benvie

It has been four months since Jacob and I started dating, and I’m just going to be honest… he’s kind of a moron. At first I thought his naïvety was kind of cute, but now I’m mostly concerned. Not just about the fate of our relationship, but for his general safety and well-being.

Take, for example, last weekend: I walked into the bathroom where Jacob was showering to find that he was watching an episode of The Suite Life of Zack & Cody on his phone. What’s the problem, you ask? He was standing under the running water, holding his phone that he had plugged into the wall outlet. I asked him what the heck he was thinking; he just scoffed and said it’s okay, because his phone is waterproof.

Then there was the time he was working in his garage and I caught him sawing a piece of wood on his lap. Or when he stacked two folding ladders on top of each other so he could remove a hornet’s nest with a hammer.

It wasn’t always like this, though. Early on in our relationship, his inclination towards derpiness was a little more subtle. I thought it was sweet the way his eyes would light up when he saw bubbles. He’d chase them for hours, laughing and trying to catch them. I thought he just had a strong, whimsical side. Or the way he only combed the front of his hair because it’s the part that he could see in the mirror. I thought that was adorable until I found out he was doing something similar when brushing his teeth.

Honestly, I don’t know what the future holds for my and Jacob’s relationship. I was willing to stick it out in spite of all this, but then this morning the words “I seen a cloud that looked like a nucular explosion” left his mouth. I just can’t even look at him right now. None of this is cute anymore.

By CarolAnn Liebelt