Lawyer Steve Jacobs pulled up to the curbside pickup in his silver Tesla. He patiently explained to his waitress, Heather, why tipping was exploitative. “Tipping encourages racism, sexism, harassment, and exploitation. You will never be paid a living wage until customers stop subsidizing your employer’s oppression with tip money,” Jacobs said to the waitress, who was raising two children on her $2.50 per hour salary, plus tips. “Though construed as a fair way to encourage hospitality and reward good service, tipping’s roots are in class exploitation. It continues to be, at its core, racist, sexist, and degrading,” said Jacobs, who earned ten times the salary of the waitress he was educating. “There is a movement of progressive people such as I, to stop this shameful practice. We are going to force the restaurants to abandon the tipping system, and pay their employees a living wage,” lectured the lawyer, who clearly had no intention of providing any tip for his oppressed waitress. “In Europe, nobody leaves tips, because they pay the staff a fair salary,” elucidated Jacobs, to a waitress who would never be able to afford a trip to Europe in her lifetime.

As Heather listened, she worried about the likelihood that her restaurant would shut down due to a lack of income, and the possibility that she and her children would soon be homeless due to inability to pay rent. As Jacobs continued to educate her on the injustice of the gratuity system, she mused on the fact that she has to rely on food stamps to feed her family, despite having a full time job. She stressed about the threatened shut-off of her electricity, because she had missed the utility payment last month. She was also concerned that Jacob’s oration was keeping her from the next car, an elderly couple, who always tipped her 25%, even at the curb.

Jacobs sped off, confident that his waitress now understood the extent of her oppression. Vote Green, he exclaimed as he drove out of sight. Steve enjoyed his meal at home, satisfied that he had again helped the underclass get woke.

By Fred Gailey