Saying that they are dumbfounded over how this was possible, the Federal Reserve reported this week that the economy has continued to struggle, despite the fact that most Americans are now balling out of control on their giant stimulus checks.

A member of the Trump administration explained, “Our top-level economists assured us that the best way to bring economic growth was to force masses of people out of work and give them $1,200 to cover two months of rent, food, and bills. We are at a loss to explain how this did not work.”

“It doesn’t make any sense,” said GOP Rep. Steve King. “We gave everyone a no-strings-attached check of $1,200, which—when adjusted for peasant currency—is worth millions. These bumpkins have practically won the lottery, and yet they refuse to give back to us.” At press time, many politicians from both sides of the aisle were echoing similar sentiments, noting that, if nothing else, they could find common ground in shifting blame to the poor.

By William Boffa