After making headlines for calling President Trump morbidly obese, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has issued a formal apology. “I’m terribly sorry for calling Mr. President morbidly obese. It was a disservice to the great people of this nation who struggle with weight issues. What I meant to call him was a fat fuck. I promise to do better. Thank you for your understanding, as we all work to navigate these uncharted waters with this thick neck, slim dick of a captain. God bless.”

By Emily Cohen