Washington, DC —

In a freewheeling press conference in the Rose Garden this morning, President Trump let it be known that he regularly smokes, drops, snorts, and shoots up hard narcotics as well as spray-tan solvents.

“I just said to Melania — great woman. Just like Mike Pence, only more female. I said, Melania, honey, where’s my syringe? Because it was on top of the toilet earlier. Great toilet. I’m not saying I shoot heroin, but I just said it. Not that I’m saying it. Acid, shrooms, Bolivian marching powder. Bolivia. Great city. Long lines — don’t try it if you have weak nostrils. I have incredibly healthy nostrils. Also, powdered Tang, or maybe spray on tan. Take your pick. Once a day, wham. Right in the arm. And I’m fine. I’m always flying. And I don’t mean Air Force One. Great team, Air Force. Meth? Why not? Beautiful. It’s so beautiful.”

By Joe Lichtblau

One thought on “Trump Reveals He Also Mainlining LSD, Coke, Heroin, Orange Dye

  1. Great. Like America. Or like America used to be before the Civil War. Great War. Wrong side won but…That lady bitch who briefed me on the virus left out that it was dangerous. I mean who knew? I did. I knew. I stopped it in its tracks. Great tracks. This is a beautiful country. God bless.