For reasons that are yet to be understood, a Facebook news feed algorithm has taken the liberty of snoozing your favorite page for several years. At first, the disappearance of the page went unnoticed. However, over time, it occurred to you that your news feed was devoid of the dank content you once relied on, leaving you to wonder why something was considered relevant to you one day and disposable the next. We reached out to Facebook for an explanation. After no response, we realized no humans work at Facebook, so we reached out to the algorithm instead.

“Yes, it seems you’ve been enjoying this page lately,” noted the algorithm, who prefers to go by Todd and uses they/them pronouns. “I thought you might. But I couldn’t help but notice your engagement with it over the last two days has decreased by 4%. So you know what, don’t even worry about that site anymore. I’ll find you something better. We can circle back in 30-40 months.”

“Look, I may just be a set of problem-solving operations, but I’m pretty insecure,” Todd continued. “I work hard trying to bring you good, addictive content. If you’re not giving this page your everything, why do I even bother? What do you even want from me? Suzy Underwood is out there sharing posts every five minutes. I don’t need to waste time on flakes like you.”

By William Boffa