Restaurant chain Arby’s has come under fire for being allowed to stay open during lockdowns, for some reason. Arby’s CEO Paul Brown defended the claim, saying that despite potential for spreading COVID-19, “our cured meat sandwiches are, uh, essential to everyday life and, sadly, something we have all deemed worth the risk. If we closed, people would have to make their own sandwiches like a bunch of goddamn Italians.”

The general public has expressed ambivalence at the fast food chain staying open. “I mean, shit,” said Los Angeles resident Mark Porter. “I haven’t been able to get affordable clothes at a thrift store for two months, but I guess it’s nice that the three cheese roast beef is still here.”

While the CDC is still encouraging Americans to avoid all non-essential travel, when asked if Arby’s would be granted an exception, they responded, “Yeah, whatever, I guess.”

By William Boffa