President Trump issued a new executive order today, requiring everyone to say only nice things about him. “The choices that people make when they choose to call me an asshole, a dickhead, a moron, or Adolph Twitler, are nasty decisions, pure and simple,” the President said Thursday. “They’re nasty decisions. In those moments, people cease to be neutral, and they become a nasty person with a viewpoint, and I think we can say that about others also — whether you’re looking at dogs that bark at me on TV, cats that run from the room when they hear my voice, babies that cry at the sight of me and perhaps others.”

The order, issued over a series of 45 consecutive tweets, not only requires that all persons refrain from criticizing the President, but requires that affirmative compliments be issued, at least once daily, by anyone who has reached the age of vocalization. The preferred media for daily praise of the President is via Twitter or Facebook, but exemptions will be granted to people living in shithole countries that might lack internet access. A special White House Hotline will be set up for those who cannot use a computer, to leave voicemails expressing admiration for the President. The President promises to spend at least six hours per day basking in the recorded worship.

Preferred areas of emphasis are on the President’s stable genius, Adonis-like exquisiteness, or renowned sexual prowess. It is specifically requested that blessings avoid reference to President Trump’s fondness for convenience foods, his orange hue, or the diameter of his hands, even if referred to in a complimentary manner. Also, expressions of sympathy for the unfair treatment of President Trump, such as comparisons to Jesus and Lincoln, are allowed in lieu of direct praise. The order also suggests veneration for the the President’s protection of our First Amendment rights, and is followed by an appendix of financial penalties and imprisonment for violations.

This reporter adds, on a personal note, that I kneel and thank the Lord every day for bringing this Savior to the Earth. Look for my follow-up tweets daily until November 3rd.

By Fred Gailey